“Friends are like flowers in the garden of life.” Though I’ve heard and seen this quote several times before, it recently took on a new and larger meaning for me. You see, this has been my first year to try my hand at gardening. What an adventure and journey of discovery it has taken me on, peppered with lessons to learn about planting and more importantly, about life and relationships! Care to join me as I reflect for a bit ? I’ll pretend you’re sitting beside me on my garden bench, as we converse in the sunshine.
Back in mid-April, I began looking into and gathering plants, to create an outdoor retreat on my back porch and to dress up the front of my house. I didn’t have a clue where to start. I knew very little about what plants would do well where I live, the type of care and attention they need, how long they would flower for, and if they would return or not the next year. I wasn’t even sure what kinds I was looking for.
So I purchased a handful of gardening magazines/books and started talking with co-workers and friends about what kinds of plants worked best for them and brought them the most enjoyment. I also combed the aisles of the garden centers at Lowe’s and Home Depot and visited all the local nurseries, paying attention to what I was drawn to and asking questions about plant traits, requirements and care.
Then, I took a big step. I invested in plants that inspired me, filled me with joy and soothed me, knowing full well that I could be disappointed if they didn’t do well with me, or if ailments and weather should cause them not to flourish. I brought them home, and they were new, beautiful, and vivacious!
In the week or two that followed, however, I put off planting, nourishing, and watering them. I had a lot going on in my life at the time, and I chose not to make them a priority. This was primarily because I’d never gardened before and I was intimidated by and unsure of how to plant them. My fear of failure about being able to sustain and sufficiently care for them, caused me to nearly lose them, as I held back on doing anything at all.
But praise God, that He finally motivated me to face my fears! I wasn’t hopeful. They were drooping, blossoms and leaves had fallen off, and I was sure that I had waited too long and it was too late. Like I said though, God motivated me, and I decided to pour my all into one last ditch effort to save them. I planted each one using rich, fertilized soil, trimmed off any dead parts, and watered them until they couldn’t drink anymore. Then, I prayed and waited, watching to see if they would survive.
And to my amazement, they did (all but one or two, which weren’t my favorites anyway)!! I was and still am astounded at the comeback they have made! And though I’m embarrassed at how parched and neglected I’d allowed them to become, I think my joy is even sweeter, to see them vibrant and thriving now! All of the colors and fragrances, each plant unique and beautiful in its own way, make me so happy! I just look at them and smile!!
I won’t try to hide that I do still struggle with caring for them at times. I go through ups and downs. There are days I am exhausted, or just don’t feel like watering them or pruning the dead blossoms and leaves. It is easy to allow other demands in my life to cause me to put them off. But I’ve found that they’re easier to keep up with if I’m faithful in nurturing them on a regular basis. So I’m striving to let less time lapse between watering and caring for them. The beauty they bring makes my life so much richer and I don’t want to lose them. The rewards, the joy and pleasure I receive, is worth the time, energy and investment!
As I think about this gardening journey I’ve been on, parallels in relationships and friendships pop out all over the place. Have you noticed them too? There are far too many to begin to expound upon in one letter. But there’s a handful I want to touch on. I share them because they are huge lessons God is teaching me. Not because I am proficient in them or have mastered them by any means. I will be the first to admit that I have galaxies of growing to do!! Here they are, nonetheless, the lessons He’s cultivating in me:
Relationships of any kind take hard work, energy, and investment, not just initially, but continually. The rewards however, the fragrances and blossoms they bring, are more than worth the effort!
In the same manner my gardening began, if there is a desire in our hearts to become better friends with someone or to see growth in existing friendships or relationships, we must acknowledge where we are and that we have a lot to learn. When it comes to relationships, most of us aren’t “master gardeners,” but we don’t need to be. We just need to have a desire for something more, and be willing to step outside our comfort zone and invest of ourselves.
Just as I had to read and ask questions about the traits, requirements, and care of my plants, we will also find that as we seek to learn more about those we care for, growth, deepening, and beauty will take place in our relationships,. We will come to understand their needs and share in their joy and blossoming, the more time we spend with them. We will discover through time and experiences, what works well and what doesn’t.
When it inevitably happens that our friendships or relationships become parched, whether it was by our own choice and prioritizing, or because there was just some really hot “weather” in between our regular “watering,” DO NOT DESPAIR! Most true, quality friendships are very resilient. If you’ve neglected them, pour your whole heart back into them again. Pray about it and be patient, giving them space and time to recover and bloom again. More often than not, they will recognize and appreciate you fighting to not lose the friendship, and it will become richer and deeper, because of what you’ve weathered together. May God continue to amaze and surprise us with how He can rescue and revive when we’re sure it’s too late, just as He did with my plants!
Beware of weeds, pests, and ailments, and address them early! Sometimes things will enter your life or theirs, that you didn’t cause or couldn’t prevent, but that seek to destroy the relationship, nonetheless. This will stir up fear in your heart about losing them. But don’t give up hope. Pray, be there for and love them, and address the problem the best way you know how. In my own gardening experience, I noticed that aphids were attacking my beloved geraniums, and I was sure it was a lost cause. I did some research however, and found that ladybugs will devour these pests. So, I purchased some and released them in my plants. The aphids did not disappear over night, but now as time goes by, I’m seeing less and less of them. Not to say that there is always a cure in every friendship or relationship, but when you pray and try every way you know how, at least you’ll have no regrets.
On that same note, sometimes you will love and care for people and do everything right, but they fail to respond, grow, and bloom despite all that you’ve invested. As Martina McBride sings in her new song, “Love them anyway.” God knows exactly what you are going through and the pain and heartache you feel. Each day His heart breaks as a world full of people He has given His life for choose not to respond to His love. Yet He loves us anyway, and keeps hoping that perhaps the next season, perhaps the next year, we will blossom. May our hearts become filled more and more with the unconditional and persistent love He shows us and may we pray for those that have disappointed us. Who knows, next spring or a subsequent year may bring rainbows of color and sweet aromas. Many fruit trees take 7 years before they’ll yield a crop. But if they never respond, if they never embrace and flourish in our love, may it not cause us to become cynical and guarded towards existing or new relationships altogether. May we appreciate the blooms we did experience, however long or short they lasted.
Pay attention to the weather. Like plants, friendships need shelter amidst the harsh storms of life, or extra water during very hot times. I will openly admit that this is something I fall short in. I apologize from the bottom of my heart, for the times that I have not been there for any of you when you really needed me. I am a work in progress and am praying for God, the Master Gardener, to make me more sensitive to and observant of the needs of those I love and care about. If I’ve failed you in the past, may He grow me to where I don’t miss and am there for you in the future. We can’t determine or predict the weather that will come our way, but through His grace and power, may He enable us to thrive in the sunshine when it comes and put down roots for the thunderstorms.
Just like the mixture of plants in a garden, some friendships were given to us, some we choose for ourselves, and some have been with us our entire lives or as long as we can remember. Sometimes friendships jump out at us like enormous and striking peonies or fragrant roses. Other times they quietly make their presence known through the test of time. Praise God for the incredible combination they make together, and for how each friendship has added to the beauty in who we are!
Be willing to get your hands dirty and to get down on your knees. Loving and being there for people isn’t always glamorous. In fact, it can be humbling and downright messy! But more often than not, it will be reciprocated back to you at some point in time, often when you are least expecting it. For, “Love awakens love.”
When you have time and are thinking about it, ACT!! Even the best of intentions, never saved anything. Sometimes, if I get home and it’s still light outside I’ll think to myself, “I should really water those plants” or “I need to clip off those dead parts.” And sometimes I do, but many times I don’t. If you are like me at all, perhaps you struggle with this in relationships as well. I have the best of intentions. I’ll purchase something for a friend but not send it, plan or start to write a card, or think about calling and catching up with someone I care about. But frequently I don’t act and follow through all the way at the time that I am thinking about it. I rationalize that I’ll do it later, yet I often don’t. Or, I’ll ironically put it off even longer, because I feel bad and am embarrassed at the time that has lapsed since I last touched base with them. So join me in praying that God can help us to act, when He tugs on our hearts. To call that person when we are thinking about them. To write or finish that letter, to put together that package, to bake those cookies and deliver them, at the time we intend to. For, life is but a blink of an eye, and “later” may never come.
Add to the place where you are. A garden transforms and softens a yard and home, beckoning people to come and stay for awhile. In the same way, may you add fragrance and color wherever you may be (whether it is at work, at school, at church, at home, or as you go about your errands and activities). Work with what’s there and make it beautiful. May there be an aura about you and may God use you to cheer, comfort, and brighten your world!
Know your own limits. Like some kinds of plants, there are certain people who can demand so much time and energy that other relationships you value begin to suffer. Recognize and avoid this, or put up boundaries that will help both you and them. (I would further add that too many demands at work or being involved in too many things can also cause the relationships we hold the most dear to begin to crack or to fall apart altogether. When this happens, we especially need to pray for wisdom and courage in knowing what things to let go of or what boundaries need to be placed, in order to protect those we love). Be wary of taking on too much too fast. I am tempted so many times to buy lots of plants for areas all over my yard, but I’m learning that I need to finish one section before starting another, or I will feel overwhelmed and start to lose everything. Comparatively, in whatever realm of relationships you relate to this in, start small, and then add, as you are able to. Don’t try to be everything for everybody or seek to mend all of your relationships at once. Pray for God’s guidance and wisdom, start with consistently caring for a handful of those closest to you, and then expand your “borders.”
Be patient with yourself! Learning and growing in relating to, loving, and being there for each other, is a lifelong process! Change takes time, both in breaking old habits and forming new ones. But God is able to and will bring about the necessary changes, if we leave it in His hands and choose to rely on Him. He can teach and enable us to be faithful and regular in watering and nurturing our friendships and relationships. As long as we keep asking Him to work in our lives, we can be confident that we are learning and growing, whether we can see and feel it or not. For God is not idle, and no one has a stronger work ethic than Him! Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m tempted to dwell on the fact that there are many friends who I deeply cherish, yet am failing to convey this to. I will cling to the hope however, that God will help me pick up the pieces, where I am falling short!
In caring for both plants and people, some recommendations are true, some aren’t, and some are only true under certain circumstances. I had this dream of weaving flowering clematis around the columns on my back porch. I was told at the nursery though, that they wouldn’t make it because there wouldn’t be enough sunlight. I purchased them anyway, and praise God, they are absolutely thriving and bringing me so much joy! People will give you advice, whether you ask for it or not. Sometimes it is very wise and valuable. Other times it is crippling or destructive. Relationships are not black and white. There is no tried and true, foolproof recipe. I have found in my own experience that no matter how trustworthy or reliable the source, I need to pray over the advice or input that is given me, and then follow however God leads my heart. This may be in accordance with their recommendations, or it may require reckless faith to walk on water and follow Jesus, as Peter did. When He calls us to do this, He will provide the strength and courage we need, but usually only at the moment He knows we need it, and no sooner. His ways may seem foolish, frightening, or they may go against the current, but He does see the big picture. No one knows and understands us and those we love better than the One who created us in the first place. No human will ever think of something that God would forget!
When I was selecting plants for my garden, I stayed away from the annuals at first because I knew they weren’t a one time investment and would cost me each year. But as of now, they are what’s bringing me the greatest joy as they multiply and bloom brilliantly all over the place! In the same way, it would be a shame to hold back and miss out on the color and blossoms certain friendships or relationships will bring us, because we’re focusing on the fact that it requires continual investment, or because we know they will only be with us for a season. Invest anyway! The joy is worth it! Another parallel about annuals is that unlike perennials, there isn’t the tendency to stop caring for and tending to them, as the years go by. It is important to remember that even in relationships like that of an old friend, or with family or a spouse--who we know will continue to be there through the years--not to grow lax in nurturing and caring for them. For as we keep investing in them, the beauty the relationship brings perennially will multiply, intensify, and continue becoming more beautiful and fabulous than we ever imagined possible!
A parallel specifically for my “Single Sistas:” Though I started on dressing up the space around my front porch, it isn’t finished yet. There’s one place where I still need a tall plant to fill in a hole. I went looking a week or two ago, but the only options I saw worth considering, were ones I knew wouldn’t work long term and would only be a temporary fix. One was predicted to triple it’s size in a year, so I knew it would quickly become too tall and unmanageable. Another required picky sunlight and watering conditions which I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with. Still, I nearly invested in them, because I was so ready to have everything completed. Waiting can be unbearable! I’m longing to see the full picture in my love story as well!! Can you relate? It is so tempting to settle for and give of myself to someone who will meet my needs for affection and attention right now, yet who I know I could never spend a lifetime with. Persevere and hang in there friends!! May God save us from rushing into decisions and relationships we will regret, to fill the gap of what we’re waiting for. The One who created love between a man and a woman in the very beginning, the Author of romance, knows who will be the perfect fit for us for a lifetime! Hold on! Persist with me! Even now, in His “greenhouse,” the Master Gardener is growing them up to be the men we’ve been praying for. He will bring them into and plant them in our lives. And when He does, may He find a space tilled and ready! When we see the full picture we will be filled with awe and left speechless, at the impeccability of how the men He’s prepared for us complement and bring out the best in who we are!
Finally, the desire for a garden is like a desire to know Jesus better. Often, we’ve seen how He soothes, enriches, and makes the lives of others more beautiful. Perhaps we recognize a yearning in our own hearts to experience and have more of Him in our lives. We shop around, ask questions, or even read Christian books. But we’re not sure if we’re really ready to take the big step of actually investing in Him. What if we’re disappointed? What if it requires more than we think we can or are willing to give? He is worth the investment! Don’t miss out on the rich fragrances and colors He’s eager to add to and fill your life with. Don’t just look at the “gardens” of others. Experience Him for yourself. Start small, and add, bit by bit, as you can, as your desire grows, and as He enables you to.
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